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Unpacking Jane's Story

 

Jane's story is a textbook example of narcissistic abuse — a long-term pattern of manipulation, control, gaslighting, and emotional, physical, and sexual coercion. The tell-tale traits include:

 

• Grandiosity & entitlement (especially sexual)

• Lack of empathy

• Manipulation and gaslighting

• Projection and blame-shifting

• Control and coercion

• Emotional and physical abuse

• Triangulation and infidelity

• Image maintenance and deceit

• Rage and sadism

• Hoovering and trauma bonding

 

Below, we highlight the key narcissistic traits and abusive tactics she endured, grouped by category for clarity:

 

⚡ 1. Love Bombing & Idealization

 

“We met when I was 18 and I instantly fell for him… The early days were quite intense and I felt lucky to have him.”

→ Love bombing: intense affection and attention early on to quickly form attachment.

 

“He could turn on the charm, shower me in gifts and be the loving partner every woman deserves…”

→ Hot-and-cold cycle: alternating affection and cruelty to keep her emotionally dependent.

 

💣 2. Sexual Coercion & Entitlement

 

“If I refused sex, he would leave my house and threaten to go and have sex with someone else.”

→ Sexual coercion, punishment threats, and control through fear of abandonment.

 

“If I said no, I was either being selfish or abnormal… If we had sex and he felt I wasn’t putting the effort in, he said I was frigid.”
→ Sexual shaming and manipulation.

 

“Pinned to the bed by my throat and told how I was a disappointment.”
→ Physical violence linked to sexual rejection — extreme entitlement and domination.

 

“He would elbow me in the back and call me names until I gave in and had sex.”
→ Rape within marriage / coercive control disguised as “marital duty.”

 

“He made me pleasure him while our child lay in the bed near us.”
→ Sexual degradation and complete erasure of boundaries.

 

“He wanted to have sex just before I left, which made me feel dirty… like he was marking his territory.”
→ Dehumanizing possessiveness and humiliation.

 

🧠 3. Gaslighting & Blame Shifting

 

“He was good at making me feel like I had a problem… I was abnormal.”
→ Gaslighting: convincing her that her natural boundaries are pathological.

 

“He completely turned everything he had done to me and accused me of doing it to him.”
→ Projection and reversal of victim and abuser roles.

 

“Blamed my lack of love and affection for his affairs.”
→ Classic narcissistic blame-shifting: deflecting accountability by pathologizing her reactions.

 

“He told me how I have been the cause of everything that was wrong in our relationship.”
→ Chronic scapegoating.

 

🪞 4. Control, Possessiveness & Domination

 

“He stopped the car and put me out miles from home… refused to let me take the child out.”
→ Extreme control and punishment for perceived defiance.

 

“He would physically drag me back to bed.”
→ Physical domination and coercion disguised as affection.

 

“If I tried to leave the house during one of his lectures he would drag me back in or take the car keys.”
→ Physical imprisonment and intimidation.

 

“He refused to leave the family home and was still trying to put on this happy family front.”
→ Image control — maintaining public perception while privately abusing.

 

🧊 5. Emotional Withholding, Cruelty & Devaluation

 

“He could be aggressive and unreasonable within the flick of a switch.”
→ Narcissistic rage — unpredictability designed to keep her off-balance.

 

“He degraded me, belittled me in front of friends and family.”
→ Public humiliation and erosion of self-worth.

 

“He started to mentally abuse our eldest child.”
→ Extension of abuse to others to maintain power and control.

 

“He done this whilst our child was sitting in the baby seat in the rear.”
→ Utter lack of empathy, using cruelty as dominance display.

 

💔 6. Triangulation, Affairs, and Hoovering

 

“I caught him out; he was having an affair but I was convinced by him that he loved me.”
→ Triangulation: using infidelity to destabilize and manipulate.

 

“Threatening to harm himself after being caught cheating.”
→ Emotional blackmail: suicide threats to regain control.

 

“Manipulating me when he came to see the kids and I was almost at a point of wanting him back when he told me he loved her.”
→ Hoovering: pulling her back emotionally, then discarding her again to assert dominance.

 

🎭 7. Image Management & False Self

 

“He was still trying to put on this happy family front to anyone who knew us.”
→ Facade maintenance: a hallmark of narcissists — projecting perfection outward while abusing privately.

 

“Trying to get me to open [a sex toy] in front of the kids.”
→ Sadistic humiliation disguised as “jokes” — violating social and emotional norms for attention.

 

⚙️ 8. Isolation & Erosion of Identity

 

“I never noticed the friends and family distancing themselves from me; I didn’t realise I was starting to hide and had lost myself.”
→ Social isolation — engineered through manipulation, conflict, and exhaustion.

 

“I was walking on eggshells… it didn’t matter what I done he would still find a reason to fall out with me.”
→ Chronic emotional instability designed to keep her in survival mode.

 

🕳️ 9. Psychological Manipulation & Coercive Control

 

“He had me where he wanted me emotionally.”
→ Learned helplessness — the intended outcome of narcissistic abuse.

 

“He threatened to harm himself… made me feel sorry for my reactions to his self-harming.”
→ Victim reversal and guilt manipulation.

 

“He was mentally crushing me and he was succeeding.”
→ Psychological domination and trauma bonding.

 

🌅 10. Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

 

This story perfectly follows the narcissistic abuse cycle:

 

• Idealization (charm, gifts, love bombing)

• Devaluation (criticism, coercion, humiliation)

• Discard (affairs, abandonment, projection)

• Hoovering (apologies, false promises, guilt)

• Each time, she’s drawn back into the cycle through emotional manipulation and trauma bonding.

 

Conclusion

 

This story is more than just a recount of suffering — it’s a powerful reminder of how narcissistic abuse operates in plain sight, eroding self-worth one manipulation at a time.

 

The victim’s experience reveals how love can be weaponized, how control can masquerade as care, and how silence can be mistaken for strength. But it also shows something far more important — the incredible resilience it takes to break free, to heal, and to rebuild a life on your own terms.

 

Recognizing the red flags is the first step; reclaiming your power is the next. No one deserves to live under the weight of coercion or fear — and freedom, once found, is the ultimate justice!