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Jane's Story

 

 

The early years

 

We met when I was 18 and I instantly fell for him. The early days were quite intense and I felt lucky to have him and being a people pleaser would do what I could to make him happy. Sex was a big deal for him, I was less experienced and very self conscious. There were many occasions where he wanted sex, and I was reluctant to do it due to the location or others being in the house. This was the start...

 

If I refused sex, he would leave my house and threaten to go and have sex with someone else, this put pressure on me to do what I thought was the right thing for us (him).  

 

However, he was good at making me feel like I had a problem, I didn't have the same sex drive as he did so if I said no, I was either being selfish or abnormal.  If we had sex and he felt, I wasn't putting the effort in he said I was frigid.  

 

After only a few months of dating we got engaged and started to save for a house deposit. 

 

Not long after moving into our home we again had a disagreement about sex and my reluctance to just do it when he wanted. I was pinned to the bed by my throat and told how I was a disappointment. This upset me but I was in love with him and would as usual back down. 

 

After a couple of years I caught him out, he was having an affair but I was convinced by him that he loved me and that he was sorry. 

 

We got married about 5 years after we started dating and two years later I had our first child.  I couldn't see the control he had over me I just wanted to make him happy. 

 

We had been away for the day, and I had made a comment about his aggressive driving, he stopped the car and put me out miles from home. He done this whilst our child was sitting in the baby seat in the rear.  He refused to let me take the child out and left me on the roadside in tears.   He did a short time later return for me making me feel like I had done something wrong. 

 

Emotionally he had me where he wanted me. He could turn on the charm, shower me in gifts and be the loving partner every woman deserves but within the flick of a switch could be aggressive and unreasonable.

 

For years I blamed myself for my short comings, I walked on eggshells and tried to keep him from being angry with our child and our family dog. It was exhausting and sometimes it didn't matter what I done he would still find a reason to fall out with me and wasn't particularly bothered about where he done this or who it was in front of. 

 

I started a new job and worked shifts, this was my escape. I was able to work nights which meant I didn't spend every night in bed with him and would get a rest from the continuous pressure of sex. 

 

Ther was one occasion when I was getting ready for a work night out and he came into the bedroom and watched me fix my hair and get dressed. He complimented me on how good I looked then asked me to perform oral sex on him. I was pushed for time and refused promising to treat him on my return.

This wasn't good enough and he exploded in rage throwing items against the wall in the bedroom whilst our child was in bed, in the room next door.  I was strong and stuck to my decision. As I drove away the guilt started to play on me and I feared what mood I would later return home to. So I turned my car around and went home.

He was so pleased to see I had decided not to go. This became a reoccurring theme every time I was going out he wanted to have sex just before I left, which made me feel dirty when I was out. Almost like he was marking his territory.   To avoid this happening I started to have days out rather than nights out. So I could get ready and be out the house before he returned from work. 

 

There were nights where an argument would start during sex and I would get up to walk away from the situation but he would physically drag me back to bed and convince me that he loved me and just wanted to show it and was it too much to ask for to have sex with his wife.  

 

Years later I had a second child, and this didn't stop the mental abuse, in fact he on a number of occasions made me pleasure him or he would me whilst our child lay in the bed near us. This sickened me and I was powerless to say no as any reluctance would cause an argument which would waken and upset the child. 

 

Some nights when I returned home from work, he would be awake waiting on me and if I refused to have sex, he would elbow me in the back and call me names until I gave in and had sex. Then he would criticise my effort or he would lay still and tell me to get on with it. Having sex with my husband the man I loved yet the tears flowing from my eyes. 

 

Then came affair number two. The tactics he used to control me were horrific. He had already started threatening to harm himself and slowly started to make me feel sorry for my reactions to his self harming and overdosing. Totally deflecting blame from the affair, he had. 

 

As usual I listened to the apologies and made it clear this was his last chance.  Things were going ok for a period then he slowly started to slip into old habits. Forcing sex, degrading me, and belittling me in front of friends and family. 

 

Even buying a sex toy for my Christmas and trying to get me to open it in front of the kids. 

 

The problem was he was not only mentally abusing me he started to mentally abuse our eldest child and I felt completely powerless. He was constantly belittling and trying to be this superior power. 

 

I knew the relationship was toxic but my problem was it wasn't always like that. There were periods when things were good. I had moments when I was going to leave him and through those tough times set goalposts as to when I would make the move but kept changing my mind.  I didn't want to look a failure to my friends, I wanted to have the family, the nice house, the car, and the love. But the love was really only ever one sided. 

 

The end..

 

Affair number three was the final straw. I had become stronger in my mind and I knew I wasn't doing this anymore. I had good family and friends around me who I knew would support me and give me strength to keep positive. 

 

I was already pre-empting the threats of self harm and all that happened previously but this time it was different. He changed, he was obnoxious and had a superior attitude. He completely turned everything he had done to me and accused me of doing it to him. Blamed my lack of love and affection for his affairs.

He was mentally crushing me and he was succeeding. I was struggling to function I became a shell of the person I was. He refused to leave the family home and was still trying to put on this happy family front to anyone who knew us.  But all the time telling me how I have been the cause of everything that was wrong in our relationship. 

 

If I tried to leave the house during one of his lectures he would drag me back in or take the car keys from me. 

 

I endured months of this torture before he finally left. But part of me missed the man who I fell in love with and he played on this. Manipulating me when he came to see the kids and I was almost at a point of wanting him back when he told me he loved her. That's when I realised the total control he had over me and the game he was playing. 

 

After being separated for a few years, it taken for me to divorce him,  he was not in any hurry to finalise things even though he was with the other woman. 

 

I have been single for nearly 10 Years now and it's been the making of me. I know I'm damaged and yes I've had multiple counselling sessions and help from women's aid to start to rebuild my self respect. There has been many tears and struggles.  But in my heart, I know I would have been miserable and broken if I had stayed with him.

 

Today I am proud of the person I have become, I've two amazing kids who have been a great support but also been able to grow and mature into loving and kind human beings.  

 

Red flags they were always there, I just refused to see them.  I never noticed the friends and family distancing themselves from me; I didn't realise that I was starting to hide and had lost myself. 

 

This is not all my story... things did hit an all-time low.  But I found the strength in myself to cut all ties to him because he was never going to let me be happy otherwise and I have to live with the fact that he will never see his wrongdoing, never admit that he was that abusive person and never get that apology or acknowledgement of guilt. 

 

Justice! What does that mean..  I'm never going to see it and I've started to accept that.  Over 20 years of his abuse and narcissistic behaviour has left its scars but also made me realise I deserve better. 

 

Freedom... I have it now and I'm making the most of the life I control.  It's the best feeling ever!