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Corrina's Story

 

I've always considered myself a reasonably intelligent person. My marriage to the father of my children ended 24 years ago and I raised my children alone. Two of them are autistic and one was born with a serious heart condition.

 

I had to deal with all of the stresses that entailed along with the usual stresses of life as a single parent. Thankfully all of my children have matured into wonderful humans who are independent and living fulfilling lives.

When my youngest child was at secondary school I decided to work abroad as she was struggling with secondary school here in Scotland. I spent ten years working in many different countries, travelling and enjoying new experiences and new cultures.

By this time, I was in my mid-fifties and single for over 20 years with absolutely no experience of dating. During COVID I realised it was time to come home and work on a future for myself. I had lost a lot of weight, exercised regularly and had lots of interests as well as being in an excellent position financially.

I had been back in Scotland for 6 months and I was already tired of internet dating. I was losing hope of finding someone who I could share the rest of my life with. I had a few dates but my lack of confidence in dating and the lack of available dates made the situation seem hopeless.

I decided on one more try. This time I would choose 5 men I liked the profiles of but if no replies I would give up. A month later I was cancelling when I got a reply. The reply was from Richard.

 

He was impressive - tall, handsome and could conduct an intelligent conversation. That night we spoke on the phone and really connected. Two days later our first date - which lasted 2 days. I could not believe my luck. We just clicked. Love followed quickly. I was smitten. This wonderful person came across as honest, trustworthy and dependable - a real knight in shining armour. 

It was still COVID so there was little we could do which meant we spent a lot of time at home. I thought it was lovely that he wanted to know all about me. Little did I know that he was gathering his intel. Encouraging me to confide in him so that he could stack his weapon store. Finding out what he could use to break me, coerce me and control me.

We moved in together quickly as he completely swept me off my feet. Any doubt I had he had an answer for. Over the next 2 years he slowly wore me down into thinking I was the problem. He would tell me that I hadn't been in a relationship for so long I didn't know how to be with someone. I was too independent, and I didn't really want to be in a relationship. He would 'help' me by making suggestions about everything from the colour of my hair, the clothes I wore to what I ate and how I existed in the house. I had moved into his house and that's how it stayed 'his' house. 

As time passed the house rules grew, and I couldn't seem to do anything right. I lived on eggshells never knowing when I would do something he perceived as wrong. I am not an argumentative person, so these confrontations were awful. I would be berated, demeaned and it was relentless. His other reactions were the silent treatment: he could completely ignore me for weeks until I broke.

 

Then there were the spells of depression where he would just spend hours gazing into space, not wanting to be in the same room as me but also not telling me what was wrong. All of this gradually wore me down until I lost myself. I felt I couldn't trust myself, my own opinions and even the type of person I was. He gradually distanced me from my friends and family making me seem selfish if I wanted to speak to them or visit them. All of my friends and family live in England.

If we did visit anyone, he was the most charming person you could ever meet but when we returned to our accommodation he would release all of his built up tension on me so visits were miserable.

I thought once we were married things would be better as he would be more secure but this was the signal to increase control. Two months after the wedding he happily announced that he was a diagnosed sociopath and had been diagnosed 7 years previously. 

From here on he didn't hold back he took this announcement as his excuse for his behaviour. He would demonstrate extreme behaviour from loving bombing and making me feel like the most loved person ever to completely destroying me. He coerced me financial and I now have almost £30,000 of debt which is all in my name.

My mental health declined and I found even making decisions for myself impossible. I tried to leave but I had a breakdown so I took a job working from home as I needed to earn money but couldn't cope in the workplace. By now I was paying all of the household expenses and he was still asking me for money. I was desperate and I returned my car meaning I was completely isolated. 

I thought if I really tried and understood his sociopathic behaviour I could make it work all I had two do was try hard. And I really did. I thought about everything I did, I said, I wore. I really wanted our marriage to work. I didn't think things could get any worse but they did. My submission seemed to rile him and his behaviour became more vicious. I was told that I was fat that he couldn't have any physical contact with me because I smelt; my breath and my body. It was humiliating. 

And then I found the spy cameras. I knew he had a spy camera in his car but then I found he was using one in the house. I don't know what it was but this was enough. I was mentally and physically broken, eating was a problem, self confidence was gone, financially destitute, friendless and isolated. I realised that it would take both of us to make the relationship work and he wasn't prepared to work with me. I had asked for help from a mental health charity and they now put me in touch with Women's Aid. 

Leaving was really hard. I told him I was leaving and I moved into the spare room. At first he was indifferent but as the weeks passed his behaviour became increasingly childish. I was not allowed to go anywhere in the house except the spare room and the bathroom. He cut my access to the internet and blocked my phone on our joint plan. He even took the fuse out of the washing machine, turned off the hot water at the source and hid essentials like sugar so I couldn't make a cup of tea.

Practically things were very hard. The council and Women's Aid could offer me temporary accommodation but I couldn't take my cat which was heartbreaking. Due to my financial issues my credit rating was diabolical and I also found out I couldn't get a reference from the Housing Association as my husband had not added me to the tenancy despite having paid the rent for many years.

Finally, I got a break and found a rental. I am 4 months free and with the help of counselling I am beginning to find myself again. Trusting myself is taking time but I am determined to succeed. I wish I had a profound message to give but I am still trying to figure out how this all happened to me. I am learning each day to notice and enjoy what I finally can do and the feeling of being able to relax and breathe.